Thank you to everyone who responded to my previous post about whether I should continue blogging. I got a lot of really thoughtful answers that gave me good things to consider. I'm sorry I did not reply to all of you directly - Please know that I did read and appreciate your responses, even if I didn't quite get around to responding to tell you that.
After giving it much thought and prayer, I have decided to keep writing here. I had been hoping to find the time to write more about why I came to that decision, but I just haven't gotten there yet. So, I thought I'd better write something to let you know I'm still here. Besides, I could really use some prayers right now.
The update on my physical health is this: I'm on week six of Enbrel, and I have still not noticed a big change in either direction. The injections are not so bad, and the morning-after headache/fatigue is manageable, so that's all fine. However, I'm having a hard time judging whether it's actually helping or not:
I feel like my feet might be slightly better, although they have been getting better slowly (very very slowly) for about a year now, so it's hard to know whether the Enbrel is helping with that. And maybe my back and hip pain hasn't been quite as intense? It's all so fluid and subjective that it's really hard to judge.
On the other hand, my shoulders have been really hurting, which is a new development. I started having pain in my left shoulder this fall, and I thought maybe I had just injured it. But then the right shoulder started hurting too, and they've both been getting slowly worse since November. So... that's a bit discouraging. So far, I haven't had a joint start hurting and then just stop hurting again, so I can't help thinking this is going to be another long-term thing. It's been difficult to get used to, because things that didn't use to be hard are now painful - folding laundry, pulling on socks, mixing dough, laying on my side- and I'm not particularly excited about the prospect of giving up anything else. (Also, I can't imagine asking Mike to take on any more of the housework when he does so much already.) Besides, there are certain things, like holding babies and giving hugs, that are good for my heart but apparently bad for my shoulders. On the other hand, I know that with my back and then again with my feet, it just took some time to get adjusted to my limitations. By now, I'm so used to them that it's second nature to sit while I take a shower or bring my back pillow and heating pad with me everywhere I go. So, I'm hoping, if the shoulder thing sticks around, I'll get used to it and make some adjustments in how I do things, so that eventually it won't feel as inconvenient and frustrating as it does right now.
I also had a mild bout of iritis last week, for the first time since the major episode in 2013. (I've had little bits of eye inflammation here and there, but they have always cleared up on their own, and they never got painful.) Fortunately, I asked the doctor to prescribe extra steroid drops the last time around, so I would have them available in the future, just in case. So, I've been able to skip the expensive doctor's appointments and just use the steroid drops myself. My eye seems to be clearing up ok, so I think it will all be fine. But again - it's a bit discouraging to have that problem come back again after so long. Perhaps instead I should focus on being grateful that I went a year and half without a reoccurrence. I'll work on that. :)
Anyway, that's what's going on with the physical stuff.
As for the rest, I would like to ask for your prayers over the next few days. I am speaking at our Four-Parish Lenten Mission next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night, and I am really stressing out about it. I'm not exactly sure why I agreed to do this, when public speaking is so absolutely nerve-wracking for me. (Actually, I do know - God twisted my arm several months ago and I was foolish enough to say Yes.) I'm used to being nervous for pretty much everything I do, but frankly, this is way worse than usual, and I'm just not handling it well this time. Besides the normal anxiety about speaking (and trying to figure out what in the world I want to say!), the last week has been a bit harder physically, and I'm getting nervous about how I'll be feeling on those nights. I would appreciate your prayers for a little extra divine help to keep me feeling healthy(ish) when I speak. I figure if God wants me doing this, He'll need to carry me through! :)
Thank you!
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